Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
