whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize