so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
