Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
