Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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