she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
