The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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