i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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