I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
