I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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