I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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