please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
