i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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