Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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