so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
