i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
