I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
