I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
