i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
