Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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