youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
this boner is exhausting
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
