my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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