The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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