ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
