hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
