saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
