I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
