Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
