Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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