Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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