Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.