ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
there's paper in my vomit.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wear drunk well.
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