Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
worst night to have a conscience
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....