do herpes really smell.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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