Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.