i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
