Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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