K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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