Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
vagina is talking i cant
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
