Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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