I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
