Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
