I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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