Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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