it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
