when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
