I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
