Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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