It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
