The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just google imaged poop.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
