I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
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Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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