Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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