did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
