Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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