i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you inspire me to be a worse person
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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