Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
