break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
