for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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