yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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